A new year, a new day

Well, it’s December 28, 2009 and in just a few days it will be a new year. For about five years now I’ve told myself, “this will be the year that everything goes just perfectly!” I don’t hope for perfection anymore because I don’t believe that perfection exists, at least on this earth. Heavenly father has seen fit to make it so that I have had to accept myself for who I am, the extra 30 pounds, the blinding black temper that I hold deep down inside of me, yea, the one that makes me swear worse than a sailor, everything. So why do I feel so good about everything? Why do I feel so strong? Why do I feel so hopeful?

For those of you that read my blog, you may have detected some negativity as of late. I haven’t come out and plainly talked about my troubles but I’ve had some…when I had the miscarriage almost one month ago I was having a lot of self blame. I thought it was my fault somehow. It’s amazing how much permission that we give Satan with our minds and our self dialogue. It had gotten to the point where I would just let him come into my mind whenever he felt like it; I thought I deserved to have him there. And then the craziest thing happened the other day. I just got sick of him and I told him to go away. No more…no more. And he did. I refuse to spend my days, using my grief as a cloak, in darkness, allowing the devil to have freedom with me. I told myself that I may or may not be guilty but I would let God be the judge of it, not Satan; and while I still have breath on this earth I will keep striving to serve the lord. And that was that.

So, I invite Gods will to happen to me this year, whatever that might be and I would like to openly make a promise to myself; that I will try harder. I will try harder.