A new year, a new day

Well, it’s December 28, 2009 and in just a few days it will be a new year. For about five years now I’ve told myself, “this will be the year that everything goes just perfectly!” I don’t hope for perfection anymore because I don’t believe that perfection exists, at least on this earth. Heavenly father has seen fit to make it so that I have had to accept myself for who I am, the extra 30 pounds, the blinding black temper that I hold deep down inside of me, yea, the one that makes me swear worse than a sailor, everything. So why do I feel so good about everything? Why do I feel so strong? Why do I feel so hopeful?

For those of you that read my blog, you may have detected some negativity as of late. I haven’t come out and plainly talked about my troubles but I’ve had some…when I had the miscarriage almost one month ago I was having a lot of self blame. I thought it was my fault somehow. It’s amazing how much permission that we give Satan with our minds and our self dialogue. It had gotten to the point where I would just let him come into my mind whenever he felt like it; I thought I deserved to have him there. And then the craziest thing happened the other day. I just got sick of him and I told him to go away. No more…no more. And he did. I refuse to spend my days, using my grief as a cloak, in darkness, allowing the devil to have freedom with me. I told myself that I may or may not be guilty but I would let God be the judge of it, not Satan; and while I still have breath on this earth I will keep striving to serve the lord. And that was that.

So, I invite Gods will to happen to me this year, whatever that might be and I would like to openly make a promise to myself; that I will try harder. I will try harder.

December 6th, 2009 is when we lost our Viola. December 6th is when we will get our Christmas tree to commemorate her.


“Hide a terrible broken heart…"-SO "No more grieving for those whose time has come…”LOTR

I used to be a very silly girl…or was I? That seems to be the girl that everyone remembers and liked more. Before I chose to be silly, I was very serious and thoughtful…so, what to do, what to do…be the way that people want me to me or be the way that I am. Make everyone happy, well, except for me.

I have no words of my own. I can only quote right now. There are a lot of great quotes out there. Sometimes, even the worst book in the world will have a phrase or a sentence that explains eternity to me. I don’t find those very often but that is why I keep reading, for that little nugget of gold that I just might find among the mud and earth.

I dreamt that an evil spirit was trying to get into our home last night…and I was confident that if I just commanded it to leave in the name of Jesus Christ that it would leave, so I started saying it over and over again but it wasn’t working…and then Tom showed up and held my hand and at that the spirit fled immediately.

“You are the only good thing that I have done…we will walk until my blood runs out…until my heart is burned…” to you Tom, my Rock…I don’t know what I would do without you…

The Lord is my shepherd

I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures

he leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul

he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death

I will fear no evil for thou art with me

thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies

thou anointest my head with oil

my cup runneth over.

Surely agoodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.