Conclusion

So you might think, that after reading these last few posts that I just hold on to too much crap from the past, but that's just simply not true. When I left home I started fresh and decided that I was going to let go of everything. I figured that holding onto it was just going to slow me down and I just had too much to do.

It wasn't until I had started trying to reconnect with family members that I realized that they were the ones who weren't able to let go of things. And since they were actually holding on to false things; judging me for things that I hadn't done and not even giving me a chance to explain, that I decided to revisit the past in order to tell my side of it.

Being accused to being the wrongdoer when you were really actually the victim is a really, really hard thing to have to deal with. It's sort of like being raped and then later getting accused of somehow causing that rape by the clothes that you were wearing, or being accused of lying about it. It's very, very hard, especially when I was willing to just let it all be water under the bridge.

Do I forgive them? Absolutely. If there was ever some sort of trial were I was able to witness to a court against any of them in order to convict I wouldn't accuse them of anything. I forgive my brothers, my father, my sister and my mother. They are all just as much victims in this messy world as I am.

After Christ was crucified and resurrected, when he came to Mary and to the Nephites, he still had the scars from the nails on his hands, and it became a witness of his sacrifice. Am I no better then him? I too have scars. Having scars and pain from those scars doesn't mean that you haven't forgiven someone.

My scars are mine now. They are with me always and to tell you the truth I'm sort of grateful for them. They are a constant reminder to me of what not to do to someone. They remind me that children are sweet and precious and they deserve kindness and compassion. They remind me to not be to quick to judge people sometimes and that everybody has their reasons for doing the things that they do. They remind me to let people be who they are and to love them despite it all.

They also remind me to be careful and to not put myself into situations where I can be hurt too easily. And they also give me strength to stand up for what I believe in. I'm not afraid of the beating that I might get from it because I've gotten that beating before and to be honest...it wasn't that bad and was way worth it.