Conclusion

So you might think, that after reading these last few posts that I just hold on to too much crap from the past, but that's just simply not true. When I left home I started fresh and decided that I was going to let go of everything. I figured that holding onto it was just going to slow me down and I just had too much to do.

It wasn't until I had started trying to reconnect with family members that I realized that they were the ones who weren't able to let go of things. And since they were actually holding on to false things; judging me for things that I hadn't done and not even giving me a chance to explain, that I decided to revisit the past in order to tell my side of it.

Being accused to being the wrongdoer when you were really actually the victim is a really, really hard thing to have to deal with. It's sort of like being raped and then later getting accused of somehow causing that rape by the clothes that you were wearing, or being accused of lying about it. It's very, very hard, especially when I was willing to just let it all be water under the bridge.

Do I forgive them? Absolutely. If there was ever some sort of trial were I was able to witness to a court against any of them in order to convict I wouldn't accuse them of anything. I forgive my brothers, my father, my sister and my mother. They are all just as much victims in this messy world as I am.

After Christ was crucified and resurrected, when he came to Mary and to the Nephites, he still had the scars from the nails on his hands, and it became a witness of his sacrifice. Am I no better then him? I too have scars. Having scars and pain from those scars doesn't mean that you haven't forgiven someone.

My scars are mine now. They are with me always and to tell you the truth I'm sort of grateful for them. They are a constant reminder to me of what not to do to someone. They remind me that children are sweet and precious and they deserve kindness and compassion. They remind me to not be to quick to judge people sometimes and that everybody has their reasons for doing the things that they do. They remind me to let people be who they are and to love them despite it all.

They also remind me to be careful and to not put myself into situations where I can be hurt too easily. And they also give me strength to stand up for what I believe in. I'm not afraid of the beating that I might get from it because I've gotten that beating before and to be honest...it wasn't that bad and was way worth it.

Christ

As with all things that have to potential to be good there is usually an equal potential for those things, if done improperly, to be really, really bad. Families are one of those things.

One thing that people might not realize about Mormon’s is just how separate families are from the actual church. There is the Church and the teachings of the Church but within many families, because of the Churches belief in the sanctity of family, there are sometimes wrong teachings and beliefs that stem from a parent that has wrong motivations and intentions. The result of this is very, very bad.

The actual teachings of the Church have a foundation in Jesus Christ and never deviate from his teachings. My parents talked of Jesus Christ all of the time; they prayed in his name and read scriptures that referred to him but I never saw him truly taught in practice in my home.

My home life was very much a law of Moses “eye for and eye” environment. Even the smallest mistakes resulted in the “consequence” of a spanking. There was no compassion and absolutely no love; only justice and punishment.

I remember my mother talking to me about repentance. The bible dictionary explains repentance as a change of heart and a constant desire to try to do the right thing. But my mother told me that in your prayers at night, if you didn’t remember every single bad thing that you did during the day that you were in danger of that thing still being written on…I don’t know…the book I guess.

This is completely false, and it absolutely does not line up with what the Church believes but it is what I was taught nonetheless. This small false teaching has ruined my life. I realized early on that I could never be perfect and I could never remember all of the bad things that I had done during the day so I might as well not try at all. And it didn’t help that I got such harsh punishments for small mistakes like not cleaning my room good enough; if my parent figures were that harsh then I guess God was just as harsh. I didn't really want to obey a God that was as harsh as my parents.

I can’t explain the joy that I felt when I realized that those teachings were not true. That Christ has paid the price for me and that all was needed was a broken heart and a DESIRE to do right. And if you could live your life with this broken heart and desire to do good that you then have a change of heart and good things come out of it naturally. Such freedom, such joy.

The Feminist

So, yea, I’m a feminist. But hear me out for a second. It’s not as bad as it sounds and it doesn’t mean that I hate men. It just means that I feel that the world needs more of the feminine voice to balance out the masculine voice.

It has a lot to do with my upbringing. Ya see, I have five brothers, 3 older and two younger. The male perspective was very strong in my family and it didn’t help that my mother and sister had both betrayed their feminine self’s and had joined in with the male voice. I can see why they did it, it’s easier, men and boys like you better when you do. But the result of not raising you’re feminine voice is that there is a lot of violence. You see, women are usually more compassionate and nurturing then men and they are usually the ones, if their voice is strong enough, that prevent harm from coming to their children by letting the men know that they need to chill out on the violent mindset. (I mean, dude, we aren’t at war)

I don’t know why I felt the need to stay true to my feminine voice but I did and I was beaten and made fun of most of my childhood life because of it. My brothers and father hated it. Any signs of emotion was interpreted as “drama” and to this day I am referred to as the “drama queen”…They all remember me as the trouble maker, the one who was always trying to take a stand for something or the other. I was a little brat because I spoke up against their mind set and had the nerve to try and insert a different one and not back down from it.

And it's no different in my adulthood. They all still see me as being a trouble maker for having feelings and expressing them. I'm sure that if I just went along with their perspectives that everything would start to be a lot easier for me.

The world is very much like my home while growing up. If women don't use their true feminine voices, if they don’t raise them and insert them into the male dominated conversations; if we don’t join together and support each other then we will never have any compassion or peace in the world. The most violent societies that exist in the world today are ones in which the female voice has been completely shut out.

Crazy

“I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind”

I remember when I lost my mind. It was about a year before I left home. We were living in a town called Playas New Mexico. It was a strange little mining town that was built for the people who worked at the mine to live. We were living there because my father was the cop.

I had spent most of my childhood going from town to town because my father was always taking new cop jobs and moving us around. He always took jobs in really small towns and this one wasn’t any different from the rest of the places that we’d lived.

Some of the towns that we lived in I did well in as far as popularity and friends go. This town I did particularly well in. Everybody liked me. And then one day I sort of woke up and looked around me and realized that I had been feeling accepted and important because a very small group of people said so, because I was playing by all of their rules. I was dressing how they said I was supposed to dress, acting the way that they thought was acceptable…and I starting thinking that sure, I might be have a social status in this town but in another town, I’m nothing. And then it dawned on me that the fact that I was being what people wanted me to be, instead of who I really was, was really messed up.

And so I started, at first doing anything and everything to let people know that I wasn’t a part of their made up little social structures. I wanted to prove that I didn’t have to live by their rules and so I started behaving in a way that I knew that they would see as being weird. Which really meant that I made up my own dress codes and that I started speaking up about various things. These little changes in me were enough to get EVERYONE, and I mean everyone to not want to talk to me anymore. I went from being popular to no one even wanting to sit next to be at lunch time. It was strangely fascinating. And strangely empowering.

“Does that make me crazy? Does that make me crazy? Does that make me crazy?
Probably…”

The reason

When I was around 16 I left home. I wont get into the details of it but suffice to say my home was not a safe place for me to be; I had a very violent father who didn’t think that women should be allowed to speak…and I was willing to put up with a good beating for the satisfaction of speaking. Not very safe for me so I left.

My father didn’t like this. He didn’t like how it looked. He didn’t like how it might make him look. So he started talking. Mostly to family members, telling them all sorts of things about me and how bad that I am and was. So, even though none of it was true and my younger sibling no longer talk to my father, the seeds of hate that he said about me are still in them and they wont have anything to do with me.

After I left home one of my brothers came home from his mission and heard from my father about all of my wicked deeds and this set him on a road from then on to be against me. So between him and my father constantly saying bad things about me, I am pretty much unredeemable in my family’s eyes.

And to make matters worse, I have somehow gotten the blame for all of the problems that my family has ever had. Me. My brother and father have joined forces and have decided to tell everyone that it is because of me that no one talks to each other anymore. Me! Who no one even talks to to begin with? My original act of defiance against my father, my leaving because I didn’t want to get beaten anymore for opening my mouth is the reason my family isn’t together?

I’ve been watching all of the protests going on in Russia. Putin reminds me of my father. I love that he has tried to lesson the sincerity of their protests by accusing them of only doing it because “Americans” are paying them to. As if they could never have been motivated to rise up against him unless there was greed involved.

Putin reminds me of my father. He accuses me in the same way. Always trying to keep me from speaking my mind. He can’t physically beat me anymore so he abuses me by the things that he says about me.

New me new Blog

I used to have this theory that if I was a good person, that the truth about me would be revealed and that I didn’t need to explain my side of things to people. I think I even thought that explaining myself would actually weaken my case…but it turns out that in this world, with all the talking, talking, talking that everyone does, if you are going to get heard and understood; if you’re point of view is going to have a platform…you have to talk too. You have to insert your voice into the conversation, even if it’s hard. And even if it means that you might be putting your self in a situation where you could be easily criticized.

So, I’m starting a new blog. It’s an extension of my old one but it’s new because I now know how important it is that I get my true opinions out there; my true point of view.

Love: The Higher Law

Ok, so I’m trying to put something together that has been bouncing around in my mind for awhile and it has to do with love and how it fits into our restored Latter-Day Church. Poets, story writers, songwriters, hippies and all kinds of people have known something about the magic of love for awhile. It seems to be something of a higher law, something that if you have enough of it, despite any other physical law; takes over and makes everything alright.

In the Disney film Beauty and The Beast, the beast was dead and because Bell said “I love you” and she meant it because one of her love tears drops on the beast; the beast is resurrected from the dead. U2 sings about love being a temple, “Love, the higher law”. I won’t bore anyone by more examples of this in popular fiction and literature because there are really too many examples to name. People in a lot of other religions and backgrounds all have the same strong faith in the power of love.

So how about us, the Mormons? What exactly do we think about love? Well, we believe in Jesus Christ, or at least we all claim to. Every Sunday when we take the sacrament, we promise to take upon ourselves his name and actually be him. So, we are supposed to be being like him. On one of Christ’s last night’s he gave his disciples a NEW commandment and it was simply to love one another. A new commandment? To love? How is that new and why would they need to be commanded to do it?

Up until then the Jews had been living the law of Moses which was a lower law that was given. A law that was “an eye for an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth” meaning that if someone got you, you got to get them back. But now in this new law that Jesus was proposing, if someone gets you, you were supposed to forgive them and love them and if you did that that in the end, God would be easy on you as well.

So, do we live this law? Well, obviously no. I’m mean, everybody toys with the idea but most of us still depend on a justice system. If someone robs your house, you call the cops and hope for the bad guys to get caught so that they can go to jail. Justice. Most of us probably think that it’s impossible to live the higher law of love and so don’t even attempt to try.

My question is can we do it? Is it possible? One scripture that keeps playing over and over in my mind on this subject is in Mosiah 5 after king Benjamin had been talking to his people, that they all shouted that, “The Spirit of the Lord Omnipotent, which has wrought a mighty change in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually….

And we are willing to enter into a covenant with our God to do his will, and to be obedient to his commandments in all things that he shall command us, all the remainder of our days…

And now, because of the covenant which ye have made ye shall be called the children of Christ, his sons, and his daughters; for behold, this day he hath spiritually begotten you; for ye say that your hearts are changed through faith on his name; therefore, ye are born of him and have become his sons and his daughters.

And under this head ye are made free, and there is no other head whereby ye can be made free. There is no other name given whereby salvation cometh; therefore, I would that ye should take upon you the name of Christ, all you that have entered into the covenant with God that ye should be obedient unto the end of your lives.”

What the heck? This does not sound to me like any covenant that I’ve ever made. It’s similar but not the same. This sounds to me like there needs to be some sort of change that comes over you before you can actually live the higher law of love. So how do I get this mighty change of heart like the people of Benjamin had?

I certainly don’t think that it’s something that is just given as a gift, like the gift of the Holy Ghost. It seems like something that has to be sought out, something that you have to pray for.

“we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually” now that sounds really nice. Are we praying for this? I am. Still waiting.

Mormons: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

When a child grows up getting beaten by his parents every time he is “bad” he grows up with a “things are only black or white” type of mentality and he even begins to develop a loyalty to the ones who abused him; having lost contact with the memory of the beatings yet retaining the painful feelings that those beatings caused.

I see the Mormon people as a race of people who are like a man who got the crap beaten out of him when he was little.

Many American Mormons have a very strange devotion to their country. Some it even seems would put aside their religious beliefs in order to sustain and defend America and they see nothing wrong with this; in fact they see it as being the most honorable thing that they could do. Also, many, many, Mormons feel very strongly that our country should go back to the way it used to be, back when the country had less government involvement.

So my question is why this devotion? Why do they want to go back to the good old days? Why have they so quickly forgotten what happened to them? THEY GOT CHASED OUT OF THE COUNTRY! They were kicked out! And when they were finally a little bit settled, the US government came back and forced them to join them again and made them fight in their wars!

Essentially, the old American government kicked the crap out of the Mormon people when they were young. Yea, old America didn’t have as many taxes but…they used to have human slaves and they murdered Indians and chased them out of their lands. Not very good, in fact; very, very bad! So, is it possible that this early abuse is what has caused many Mormons to have an almost dysfunctional loyalty to America? Are we a race that is suffering from post traumatic stress disorder?

If so, we’ve got some checking ourselves to do. You see, when a child has been battered, he has to somehow revisit the pain of the beatings in their true light and reconnect the painful feelings that he has with the true memories. He has to have knowledge and understanding of what really happened if there is ever to be forgiveness. And forgiveness is a MUST if he is ever going to get better and live a normal life; a life free of drugs and alcohol and other self destructive things.

I don’t think that we’ve forgiven our country for what they did to us. Why else would we go on and on and on and on about the pioneers and all of their hardships. We go on and on about it but never make the connection of it being the fault of the US government. The “Old” government…the one that they all want to go back to so badly.

Okay so, I’m in BYU film school now and here are some of the things that I’ve done in my first semester:

http://www.youtube.com/user/rhondagray75#p/u/7/m_ZKRsL8pV0

http://www.youtube.com/user/rhondagray75#p/u/5/JHN3JtvJnfo

http://www.youtube.com/user/rhondagray75#p/u/1/FPiX8xxs6qc

http://www.youtube.com/user/rhondagray75#p/u/2/h28fXSs7nis

http://www.youtube.com/user/rhondagray75#p/u/3/4iKmf75Daio

http://www.youtube.com/user/rhondagray75#p/u/4/Hyy0WJKO0lM

http://www.youtube.com/user/rhondagray75#p/u/6/kPZfD5DCWhk

"When I was about eight I had a dream about the war in heaven—the war where Michael and his angels cast out Satan. It was obviously a byproduct of some Sunday school lesson, except, in my dream, it wasn’t so much a war as it was a baseball game. No swords or guns or broken beer bottles—not even a Fantasia-like exchange of colored lightning bolts. It was an outdoor baseball game and I was the catcher. I had the mask, the pads and the funny-looking catcher’s mitt. Satan, who other than being abnormally tall seemed like a perfectly normal guy, was up to bat. What I remember from my dream begins with Satan tapping the dirt out of his spikes, and me starting to shake. I remember I was terrified.

The thing was, I wasn’t scared because Satan was three feet away from me holding a baseball bat. I was frightened because on the mound God was pitching. I knew I was supposed to catch the ball when he pitched, and I just knew that he was going to knock my head off. Even as an eight year old I was sure that I did not want to get in the way of God’s fast ball.

I started to cry, positive I was going to die. A timeout was called and God motioned me to the pitcher’s mound. In the infield Jesus, as shortstop, gave me a thumbs up. When I got to the mound, God crouched down, put his arm around me and told me not to worry about the pitch. All I was supposed to do, he said, was keep my left hand open and he would land that ball in my mitt, real sweet and gentle..." Anna Lewis

"All we can do is live…we’ll live through a long row of days…and through the endless evenings…and we’ll bear up…under the trials fate has sent to us…we’ll constantly toil for others…now and for the rest of our days…and when we come to die, we’ll die submissively…beyond the grave, we will testify that we’ve suffered…that we’ve wept, that we’ve known bitterness…and God will take pity on us…and we’ll look down and we’ll see evil…all the evil in the world and all of our sufferings bathed in a perfect mercy."--Vanya on 42nd Street

Husky Hot Chocolate

Do not underestimate the power of this stuff! It is like manna!

Washington Husky famous night before the big game Hot Chocolate

5 cups of whole milk

1 ¼ cup of heavy whipping cream

1 ¼ cup half and half

1 cup Hershey chocolate syrup

1 cup Swiss miss hot chocolate mix

2 Hershey chocolate bars

Dump all ingredients into a large pot, set on stove top and set the temp to medium. Stir frequently and bring to simmer. Simmer and stir for about 30 to 45 minutes. Drink with lots of whip cream.

"And you may ask yourself
Where does that highway go?
And you may ask yourself
Am I right?...Am I wrong?
And you may tell yourself
MY GOD!...WHAT HAVE I DONE?"-talking heads

Human

Well, a lot of things going on. Crazy busy. Pondering this crazy life and how I can be a better human. Been thinking about blindness. I mean being blind to things that are important and not knowing it. What do you do when you realize that all that time that you thought that you were 100% open minded and forgiving and accepting that you weren’t at 100%, that maybe you were at about 50%. It is a bit of a blow to the ego I think, yea, that ego that you thought that you didn’t have. And then I wonder, is this what happens when you get old? That you never really knew anything into the first place? And that you can never really say anything about anything because you don’t know anything? And If you do end up looking like an idiot. But ya know I’m a bit torn. I don’t want to go through life with my tail through my legs, I want to stand tall. I don’t want this world to beat me. Is there any way that you can be completely aware of all of your faults and weaknesses and still love yourself? Is there a way to forgive and forget all of your own sins?

"How do we forgive our fathers? Maybe in a dream. Do we forgive our fathers for leaving us too often, or forever, when we were little? Maybe for scaring us with unexpected rage, or making us nervous because there never seemed to be any rage there at all? Do we forgive our fathers for marrying, or not marrying, our mothers? Or divorcing, or not divorcing, our mothers? And shall we forgive them for their excesses of warmth or coldness? Shall we forgive them for pushing, or leaning? For shutting doors or speaking through walls? For never speaking, or never being silent? Do we forgive our fathers in our age, or in theirs? Or in their deaths, saying it to them or not saying it. If we forgive our fathers, what is left?"

Sometimes I feel like my soul just might burst out of my body I’m so full, like my silhouette might stretch from sunrise to sunset. Who am I but a speck in the vast eternity of things? And yet I am so bold as to not bow before my maker and give thanks…however big or little I am given. The thought that I am able to have this experience, that I was given the chance to love, to watch my children come into this world, to hold them in my arms as they took their first breath of air, that I was able to hurt…I got to hurt and in doing so I was able to feel true joy…something that is impossible without the other. However many more days that I have left on this earth…I am oh so small; I pray to God and the gods and whomever will hear me…thank you. Thank you for breaking my heart; I would not trade it in for the world.

You are so content with the ideas that you have been conditioned to have. Why is there no one willing to go out of their box of thinking; if not for just a minute, put yourselves in the shoes of others and have original ideas? Did it ever occur to you that Al-Qaeda might be just as patriotic as you? You talk of your blessed country and forefathers as if they were you, as if you would have done the same if given the chance. Did it not occur to you that some thought of your fathers as terrests? I do not try to tell you something at this time and have you believe it. I only ask that you think. Think. Put aside your beliefs and prejudices. Isn’t that all that we ask of others when we want them to consider our religion? How is it that we can ask this of the world and not do it ourselves?

Why I am A Democrat

I was talking to a family member on the phone the other day and she had just finished listening to Glenn Beck and man was she on fire! Not only did she seem extremely angry but she was also not willing to let me get a word in edgewise in our conversation. Now, let me tell you a little bit about this family member; she’s sweet, kind, loving (unconditionally) and giving. She has always been a Christ like example to me so naturally after seeing the way that she was acting I got a little worried. I decided to investigate this phenomenon a bit further by talking to other people who I know listen to Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh. I was a bit of a brat about it actually and expressed sentiments that differentiated me from those who are politically “right” saying things like, “I love our president” and “I completely support health care reform.” I was expecting to get a reaction but I did not expect there to be so much anger and hate in their reactions. I was puzzled. The people that I asked were all LDS and I was curious as to whether their strong angry views were something that was justified or not. I was going to go to the book of Mormon to try and find references as to how people should act when political weather is stormy but instead I decided to narrow it down even further. I decided to figure out how Jesus Christ would act if he were here. When Jesus Christ walked the earth, he was living in a period of time where the political climate was extremely hot and how did he respond to it? When the people asked Jesus if it was lawful to pay taxes Jesus said, “Render therefore unto Caesar the things which be Caesar’s, and unto God the things which be Gods.” (Luke 20:25) He also say’s to “Judge not”, don’t be angry with your brother, “agree with thine adversary quickly”, “swear not at all”, “whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.” If you get sewed, and they “take away thy coat, let him have thy cloke also”, “ And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain” and the most important, “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.
I believe that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints is the only true church and more importantly, I believe that we have a true prophet. If the prophet stood up tomorrow and said that we need to start to fighting to protect our rights and freedoms; I would do it, but unless I missed something, he hasn’t done that. And until I hear otherwise, I will continue to pray for, and support our government because how in the world does slandering them do any good? I have no doubt that there is corruption within our government but how does being hateful and hotheaded help any situation? If we the people expect to get heard; we need to learn the proper way of going about it. Coming across as being obnoxious and irreverent just makes a person look like an idiot. If we want to get heard as a people we need to start off by having love and a prayer in our hearts. If we are feeling angry or hateful thoughts to those in which we oppose, it will always show through. We must have a genuine love for our brothers and sisters with different political views if we are ever to get our points across. “Behold, verily, verily, I say unto you, ye must watch and pray always lest ye enter into temptation; for Satan desireth to have you, that he may sift you as wheat.”(3: Nephi 18) I think that in this day and age we, especially Latter-Day-Saints need to constantly be checking ourselves that we do not fall into the many snares that are waiting for us; but I am confident that if we pray always, read the scriptures; especially the ones that describe to us how to be like Christ, and follow the leaders of the church that we will be able to act like people who have truly taken on themselves the name of Christ.

EHHHHHH! What’s going on here! Where am I? What happened? People are so different up here. These kids act like they know stuff. What do they know besides the scriptures and how to make toast! Nothing. Well my goodness gracious let me tell you the news, don’t look at me with that know it all frown smile and act like you know something just because you just spent two years in some town in South America, where your mommy sent you a cookie care package every week and your mission president made you eat yucky stuff! And dude it isn’t a booty call when you call a girl over to your crappy apartment at 9:45 on a week night to come over and sit next to you while you watch a raunchy PG-13 flick! “Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves.” Is this wisdom that I see or fools wisdom?” Sometimes I wonder if I am the sheep or if I am the wolves. I’ve always tried to follow my heart. When something felt wrong, it was usually wrong and if something felt right, it’s usually right, when I follow my heart that is. Something is not right here. The spirit is always implied but never declared. I wonder if they have ever even felt the spirit. Have I? These are things that I want to get to the bottom of.


The real question here is it necessary to get bitten to know that bites hurt? How do I teach my children how to not be like this without letting them experience pain? Is it possible for someone to go to boot camp and truly be prepared for the war when you get there or can nothing really prepare you for that? Should you completely shield your child from the battle field if you are certain that they must surely taste the bitterness anyway? Maybe they will need a memory of peace and freeness that is not mingled with pain, maybe it will be the only thing that they will have to hold onto. Like Frodo and the other shirelings. The memory of the peace of the Shire is what drives them to do their task, it is what keeps them alive. I don’t have all of the answers yet. But I am sure that, like always it will come, if I can have eyes to see and ears to hear maybe. And I pray…

the Silent hero

Why isn’t there any middle ground anymore? Only, hot or cold; black or white, True and false.

Why has Silence become the new hero to this story?

“If you cannot think of anything appropriate to say you will please restrict your remarks to the weather.” Says Mrs. Dashwood when her daughters were not acting proper by talking too much.

I was 30 when I went back to school and most of the students that I started with were all about 18 or 19.

I was fortunate enough to have been given insight into this strange new generation that is now coming into age…

And they are Silent.

No use for words.

Texting does just fine.

Look me in the eye DAMN IT!

I’m right here!

Lift up your pampered head and look at me.

Say something to me.

Lord, this year,


Help me, to help others;

To help myself

Prepare me for what is to come

And please let those things come soon

I pray that I will understand

Give me eyes that I may see;

Ears, that I may hear

Please give me more strength, to endure ALL things

In his name

Amen

A new year, a new day

Well, it’s December 28, 2009 and in just a few days it will be a new year. For about five years now I’ve told myself, “this will be the year that everything goes just perfectly!” I don’t hope for perfection anymore because I don’t believe that perfection exists, at least on this earth. Heavenly father has seen fit to make it so that I have had to accept myself for who I am, the extra 30 pounds, the blinding black temper that I hold deep down inside of me, yea, the one that makes me swear worse than a sailor, everything. So why do I feel so good about everything? Why do I feel so strong? Why do I feel so hopeful?

For those of you that read my blog, you may have detected some negativity as of late. I haven’t come out and plainly talked about my troubles but I’ve had some…when I had the miscarriage almost one month ago I was having a lot of self blame. I thought it was my fault somehow. It’s amazing how much permission that we give Satan with our minds and our self dialogue. It had gotten to the point where I would just let him come into my mind whenever he felt like it; I thought I deserved to have him there. And then the craziest thing happened the other day. I just got sick of him and I told him to go away. No more…no more. And he did. I refuse to spend my days, using my grief as a cloak, in darkness, allowing the devil to have freedom with me. I told myself that I may or may not be guilty but I would let God be the judge of it, not Satan; and while I still have breath on this earth I will keep striving to serve the lord. And that was that.

So, I invite Gods will to happen to me this year, whatever that might be and I would like to openly make a promise to myself; that I will try harder. I will try harder.

December 6th, 2009 is when we lost our Viola. December 6th is when we will get our Christmas tree to commemorate her.


“Hide a terrible broken heart…"-SO "No more grieving for those whose time has come…”LOTR

I used to be a very silly girl…or was I? That seems to be the girl that everyone remembers and liked more. Before I chose to be silly, I was very serious and thoughtful…so, what to do, what to do…be the way that people want me to me or be the way that I am. Make everyone happy, well, except for me.

I have no words of my own. I can only quote right now. There are a lot of great quotes out there. Sometimes, even the worst book in the world will have a phrase or a sentence that explains eternity to me. I don’t find those very often but that is why I keep reading, for that little nugget of gold that I just might find among the mud and earth.

I dreamt that an evil spirit was trying to get into our home last night…and I was confident that if I just commanded it to leave in the name of Jesus Christ that it would leave, so I started saying it over and over again but it wasn’t working…and then Tom showed up and held my hand and at that the spirit fled immediately.

“You are the only good thing that I have done…we will walk until my blood runs out…until my heart is burned…” to you Tom, my Rock…I don’t know what I would do without you…

The Lord is my shepherd

I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures

he leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul

he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death

I will fear no evil for thou art with me

thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies

thou anointest my head with oil

my cup runneth over.

Surely agoodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

I’m pregnant and am basically bedridden, not because of doctors orders but because I’m just too sick to really go and do anything. When you are sick, and you know that you’ll most likely be sick for awhile, it really makes you remember how nice it was to feel normal. I mean I’m almost a little bit mad at myself because I didn’t do more when I was feeling healthy. I think that when I feel good again I am going to do a lot of things, soooo many things because being exhausted because of a long day of activities is much better than being exhausted for no reason. It makes me so mad that I can’t even keep my house in order, my house is disgusting right now and Tom is doing everything that he can to help but he’s taking some pretty hard classes this semester so it hasn’t been easy for him. Gosh he’s wonderful. I may be the only one that get’s to see that but I don’t care. It used to bother me that people didn’t see him in the same light as I did but now I could care less. I have learned to love him more deeply than I ever thought possible. I never knew that this kind of love existed. How do you explain the type of love that a husband and wife experience for each other. We have been through many trials together and have come out of them alive and wiser and stronger. And to top it all off, we are eternal; we will be together throughout eternity, he is mine forever. I cannot put into words how happy that that makes me. And my children…oh my children, what can I say about them, I love them so much that sometimes it hurts. They have been with us through all of our trials and have to come out of them refined and polished. They are so kind and caring and sweet and they have helped me so much with this pregnancy. Meshach has taken it upon his self, without being asked, to help get the other kids up in the morning for school. He sets his alarm for 5:00 am and he does everything to get the others ready. All we have been having to do is get up for about five minutes to make sure everybody looks halfway decent and say a prayer with them before they leave. Amazing!

So, I have been accepted into BYU Prove and BYU Idaho. I really have wanted to go to Provo but they haven’t offered me a financial aid package or anything yet. BYU Idaho has offered me a financial aid package already, they have a program that I am really interested in and they’ve sent me letters to encourage me with getting started and they e-mail reminders about things almost on a daily basis. Provo has done none of that, so I’m confused now and have no idea what to do. I still seem to feel lead to go to Provo but I really just need to learn to be more paitent and wait awhile, I know that everything will be fine. I don’t want to make a mistake though and I want what’s best for my family in the long run. I’m trying to keep an open heart and mind for whatever the Lord wants us to do even if that means us staying here. I hope that we don’t have to stay here though, not that it is bad here but I just don’t think that it is the best place for our family right now. We shall see shant we. For now, I just want to feel better; I’m hoping that I will start feeling better in about another month, that’s how my other pregnancies have been. And of course there is the issue of money. So far we are fine with money but I fear that if we wait another couple of months, we will be low on funds and you have to have a lot of money to move.

My troubles are so minimal, I know, I should really be more grateful. When it comes down to it, as long as my family is safe and taken care of, I am perfectly content. Before I close, I just want to take a minute to bear my testimony. I am so grateful for the restored gospel. I am so grateful to be a part of it. I sustain Thomas S. Monsen as a true prophet. I know that he leads us through divine inspiration. I am so thankful for him. I also know that Joseph Smith was a true Prophet and that he was called by God to restore this great Church. He translated the Book of Mormon and it is now the only true book on the face of this planet. I love my Savior Jesus Christ and I know that my soul depends on his atonement. He paid the price for me and I am eternally grateful. I know that ANYTHING is possible if I have faith in him and put my trust in him.

A choice was made
Hearts were changed
The Adversary’s moves were already laid

Full of faith, she set her first pace
Off to the west, to a better place

She worried not of what was to come
She had seen the valley of joy and peace in her dreams
A smile lights her face, she feels like she could run

She walks and walks and her faith is strong
She has no doubts, though the road begins to get long

She is starting to feel, the blisters on her feet
And it’s been a few days since she has had anything to eat

The numbness sets in and she has no smile
And she hasn’t had time to hope in awhile

Her baby will come soon and she thinks in her heart
That this time, she won’t be able to play her part

As her baby comes in the freezing night
Who knows the fear she feels?
And who can ever understand her sorrow?
At the moment, there is no sun tomorrow.

She pleads with God to spare her child,
She pleads with God to give her strength,
She pleads with God to let this cup pass,
Nevertheless, “Thy will be done.”

“Thy will be done.” She utters under her breath
As they lower her baby into a cold grave, after his death

The adversary laughs, and is sure he has won
This move works every time, he is having fun

So much for her faith, her spirit is broke
This will follow her like an oxen yoke

About the yoke he was correct
But then something happened that he did not expect

The yoke was heavy, but then her strength grew strong
And it now helped her to carry more burdens, on that road that was long

So she continues on, one step at a time
Here faith still there but now it is fine

Just like a jewel that’s been cut by an expert hand
And it’s strong and it shines and is extremely grand

No adversary can touch her and of death there is no fright
She is not afraid of that last mysterious flight

On and on and on she pushes
Until that sweet morning, through the stones and the bushes

She stands above Gods great land
And glimpses for the first time the work of his hand

She’d made it, she’d done it, she is home
Never again will she have to roam

This is a woman from whom I descend
Her strength was passed to me
I will not pretend

My path is different, my trials not the same
But they are just as trying and bring me much pain

Sometimes I feel, like I cannot make it
Sometimes I feel like giving up
Sometimes I feel like it’s just too hard

And I feel like my flowing tears, just might drown me this time

And then I think of her and what she did
I raise my face that for too long has been hid

I see her there standing above me
A very beautiful lovely sight is she

“Lift up your heart daughter of Zion.” she says
“Move forward my child and stop your crying.”

“Where you are now, I too have been.”
“Lift up your head, don’t droop in sin”

“Your yoke will make you strong”
“Your journey will soon not seem so long”

And so I move on, one step at a time
Waiting for that day when my own strength is strong
And my faith is fine

And no Adversary can touch me for I’m hard as a jewel
And in the master’s hand, I will be a tool.

War

I really don’t mean to sound like a hippie or anything but I do long for the day when we no longer have to deal with war and hate and prejudice and jealousy and did I mention hate. The day when we all stack up our weapons of war in a heap because there is no longer any need for them. I do understand that war is necessary; it has always been throughout history and before that. The defenders of freedom and justice have had no other choice then to defend their families when they were threatened by reckless hate. But I do think that there have been prophecies that say that there will soon be a time of peace, where men will no longer have the desire to make war with their brother. Were the “arts” of war will no longer be studied and practiced; where it will be known throughout the land that “"Here wisdom, knowledge and truth are blended! Here mercy reigns and war is ended! Here on these grounds all nations enter; but here a tyrant dare not venture!"

Most don’t know it but this has been a really, really hard year for me. I won’t go on and on about all of my struggles but I can say this, the Lord has been with me every step of the way. This year I have learned to put complete trust and faith in God. He has never failed me, not once. He has always answered my prayers, not always as fast as I wanted him to but he did none the less. I have also learned that to live in the world that we live in now; I cannot survive unless I have the full armor of God upon me, from head to toe, to protect me in the battle against evil. There are no more gray areas. The time has come for those who are on the Lords side, to openly choose it; there is no other side, except darkness and misery.

I feel myself getting stronger each day. I feel like I am coming out of a long deep fitful sleep, I’m a bit groggy, but I know that I will eventually come out of it and be myself again. I am starting to remember who I am and why I am here. I am starting to realize my purpose and most of all; I am more humble than I have ever been. I know that without my heavenly father…I am literally nothing, I really am lower than dust. And so the fact that he loves us so much, as lowly and fallen as we are, astounds me. What astounds me the most is the potential that he sees’s in us all. He actually, believes in us and thinks that we will make it. And oh! When we do…I long for that moment, to be embraced in my heavenly fathers arms once more…